Bullied
But this morning, our time at the playground was interrupted by a bully, and I have to say, I'm not sure I handled the situation well, which is why it keeps playing in my mind. Vijay is a very docile, almost shy kid at the playground- he doesn't take other kids toys (yet!) or get in their way- he pretty much keeps himself entertained, and is very happy to play on his own.
He was doing just that, playing with an excavator in the sand, while I was sitting on the bench looking on, when a child his age came over and took his toy. Obviously this happens all the time- no big deal. I never jump in as I view it as the other parents job to deal with their child's behavior in the manner they see fit. However, I was shocked when the other mom said to her son, "Very good, now the little boy is sharing the excavator with you. After you have a turn, we'll let him use it again."
Ummm....what? That is not sharing- your child took the toy that my child was actively playing with. Of course that child had no use for the toy, so he threw it, and took off. I went and retrieved it, and made my way back to Vijay, who had big elephant tears rolling silently down his cheeks. I sat in the sand with him, and he sat in my lap, repeating, "Mama," as if for reassurance. We began to play together with the toy. The little boy came over again, and took it out of my hands. I explained, "Sweetie, we are playing with this toy. There are many other toys to play with. Can we please have it back." To which his mom replied, "Well, you have been playing with this one for a while." As if there were not 100 other toys to play with, and as if her son had any real interest in playing with the toy. The boy quickly discarded the toy, and the same scenario played out at least four or five more times, the boy actually laughing, and aggressively patting/slapping Vijay on the head the last time. Each time, I tried to explain to the child that we were playing with the toy, and each time he grabbed it out of our hands- and his mother did nothing. I couldn't bring myself to pull the toy back out of his hands- I couldn't do that to a child- and I was speechless, not knowing what to say to this mother- herself, a bully.
I almost died. I was too shocked to say anything, and so I just sat there, with my son- both of us feeling bullied.
There is no manual that prepares you for parenthood- but I don't feel I handled this situation to the best of my abilities. Should I have said something to the mother- "Your son is being inappropriate, and I would appreciate you giving us some space?" Should I have just gotten up and left- made a point that way?
What I do know is that my heart broke seeing Vijay's reaction, his crestfallen face, and retreat into my lap. I can't imagine when the stakes are higher- when we're talking about middle school bullies, or high school bullies, and when Vijay can articulate his hurt feelings. Will I be that mom that sounds the battle cry and takes on the bullies for my child? Or will I try to talk to the bully's parents? Or will I try to give Vijay the tools to handle the bully on his own terms?
I don't know the answers- and I am sorry if this story is long-winded, and seems very silly- but it brings up feelings of vulnerability as a parent. What is the best way to protect our children from bullies (and their parents), while still teaching them to stand up for themselves. Clearly, I don't know the answer.
Posts
i can understand your shock and feeling that you did not do enough. but in this case, the problem is with the other mother. she is raising a brat. she is encouraging her son to be a bully because it is easier to let him do what he wants rather than discipline him.
if you snatched the toy back from that child's hands or prevented him from taking it in the first place, the other child would have cried and she would be remonstrating with you. you did the right thing in expecting the other mother to correct her child. since she did not, you will be very much in the right to do it yourself the next time it happens. if this happens again, prevent the other child from taking vijay's toy. when vijay sees that he will know that he can do the same. after all he is a baby and has no experience of these situations.
everyone finds themselves in some situations wherethey feel they are at a loss on how to react. so that is what happened here. you will be better prepared next time
meera
I would have been so angry at the other mother for not properly disciplining her child. In the situation if it occured again I would have firmly told the mother that sharing is asking permission not taking things from other people and that if her son did it again that I would be correcting him if she would/could not.
Oooo I would be so mad, I don't even have kids and that seems so infuriating!
I would have been angry too. UGH! I would have said to the child, "no, no, we don't take toys from others." And I'd put a different toy in that child's hand hand. If he gets upset and clearly wants the intended toy, then I would say "let's take turns, you can have it in one more minute." But, if he's clearly just bullying, then I'd say to the mother "he doesn't really want it, he just takes it and throws it and that's not sharing; if he wants a turn, then I'm happy to help him learn how to ask nicely." Some parents simply cannot see any flaw in their parenting or in their children's behavior. The boy isn't at fault since he's developmentally at a place where he hasn't learned what is appropriate. It's his Mom's job to teach him and she clearly doesn't think he's supposed to be able to learn that yet. He IS ready!
I don't have any answers for this situation, I'm just sorry it happened to you. It's a tough call, when the parent of the child won't/can't control the situation and it's impacting your child. What do you do? Also, frankly I'm shocked that the child had the bravery/impertinence to grab the toy out of your hands repeatedly! I feel sorry for the people (teachers, classmates, parents, neighbors) who will no doubt have to deal with these two in the future. In what unfortunately I'm sure will be more aggressive situations as this child gets older.
I agree - the other child is behaving normally, but it's his mother who is the bully. I believe the correct response would have been for her to gently take the toy from her son and hand it to Vijay with an apologetic smile at you, and say to her son, "Another little boy is playing with that toy, let's find you a different one to play with until he's finished with it."
There is no magic age to start teaching courtesy and respect - it has to start from before a child can understand, and be maintained consistently. Allowing anyone to grab anything out of another person's hand is just wrong, and that mother is setting her son up to be an entitled, grabby, hated child.
I understand your dismay, and I don't have any answers, but I want to encourage you that you're doing the right thing.
Sigh. You are such a good mother. You did the right thing. Sadly you may run into at Ieast one or two more BuIIy moms during Vijay’s childhood. He’ll learn to appreciate your compassion and will instinctively sense the difference between a polite person...and a jerk. Don’t Iet them spoil your outings, next time purposely move away and avoid them. Vijay is simply adorable!
I am so sorry that you had this experience. Thinking of my children being bullied is one of my great fears, but I think you handled this situation very gracefully. And it's really lovely to see that he already knows just how in his corner you are. That is *the* gift.
I'm sorry this happened to you. How maddening. I would have said no to the child. I have no problems correcting a child when their parent has repeatedly not. Especially when they are being aggressive and putting my kids in harm's way. I've had to do it twice. And then if the other person didn't leave, I've taken my kids away for their safety.
Here is a site on bullying for future reference. http://www.stopbullying.gov/respond/on-the-spot/index.html
very cute Thank you for posting this. It’s exactly what I was looking for!
Ugh, that's so frustrating. I'm not a parent, but it sounds like the mother was completely out of line. I think you did the right thing--correcting the boy would probably have made the mother angry--but what a mess! And poor Vijay!
Also, as a high school teacher, I think one of the best things parents can do is give their children the tools to deal with bullies, or to voice their feelings to others. There's a lot said about teachers not acting on bullying in school, but a lot of bullying happens when no adults are present. And you've already shown Vijay that you're there to listen and comfort him if he's hurt. It must be so hard to watch as a mother, but I think you're doing the right thing.
I had a similar situation the other day at a bookstore. Well I guess I was the witness to a poor child getting the brunt of another child's bullying (they were both around three). The grandmother of the one boy was trying to stand up for her grandson and teach him to share and wait etc. The dad of the "bully" started calling the grandmother a "racist" and demanded that the manager come in. He was way out of line. It was unbelievable.
Any ways, there are all sorts of parents and all sorts of ways of handling things. As long as you feel you acted the way you feel is appropriate in your heart, then that is the best you can do. Vijay will see how you are acting and trying to keep your cool is the best way handle it and move on.
At that age, we tried at our house to say the toy was "Busy". And then we would count to 10 or 20 and then when that time was up, the next child had a turn. All sorts of kids that age like to count and also can say busy (eventually :)) Most times, the 'taker' would lose interest and it wasn't a battle. I would try it with other kids say at the park and it would usually work.
If there is a parent like that one again, I would model that scenario of "busy" and if it doesn't work. I would walk away. There is only so much you can do.
Keep up the great work. It gets easier with the next kid at the same age. It just gets harder when they get older and go to school and you have less control or advice when they hit the playground.
Libby from Canada
awww, Christine! I just came to visit your blog and this is the post I see. How frustrating and sad.
I agree with everyone - the mom is definitely the bully and it is her job to tell her son "no" and take the toy away from him. Since they are so young, they don't have the language or understand concepts of sharing but they should understand "no." I worked with a pre-k classroom for a few years and had to teach a lot of sharing and saying "no" instead of hitting (and it was special ed and students with developmental delays so they were often at a younger developmental level....such as 2). I would read "Hands are not for Hitting" and we would teach them to say "no" or "stop" to others who were bothering them (they also learned to sign along with the word...for the kids who were nonverbal). We also would practice building a block tower together where everyone was able to pick 1 block and put it on and then wait for the next person.
For the parents who had kids that "ran the house" I always recommended 123 Magic for them (there is a video). It sounds like this mom needs to learn who to intervene and teach her child what is okay and not okay.
Hi Christine :) I have dealt with the bullying thing with my children a few times over the years. (my son is now 12, daughter 14) and have had varying degrees of success with my approaches. In one situation a boy repeatedly started arguments and shoving matches with my son to get his attention every day at school(he was 7!!). After several weeks of tears and bewilderment ("why is he doing this to me mom?") I suggested he ask the boy that very question. He asked the next day, followed by a suggestion..."Why are we fighting, why don't we just be friends"? They have been peaceful acquaintances ever since. What I have learned is that speaking to my own child about the situation and trying to establish a degree of understanding for him about other peoples behavior has been the most successful route so far. It has helped him to not take things so personally and to realize that people (children and adults!) behave badly for all kinds of reasons and that it is within his control to try and establish a friendship or solution and also to walk away if no common ground can be reached. I think he now knows that he can't control other peoples bad behavior but he can control his response to it.
All of this said, it is heart breaking to face this issue with your kids and VERY hard to try to step back and give them the tools to handle it themselves as they grow. Vijay is still so tiny (and beautiful!) and will not have to go this road alone for quite some time, but I think you handled the situation with grace and showed your son what that looks like. (instead of what that other mom was showing her son in terms of behavior!)
All the best to you as you navigate the blessing that is motherhood :):)
~andrea
So sorry that your morning was darkened by a bully. This mother will spend her life trying to blame everyone for her son's temper and poor choices because of how she is modeling "sharing" behaviors to him. My daughters were bullied more than once and it always hurt us all. It was and will always be awful. One time I had to explain to my daughter that the father of the bully was just a mean person and we could not do anything to change him and that some people are just that way. I did not feel that it was safe for myself or my daughter to continue to try and fix the problem. How you react at the time of the incident is probably the correct way as you are using your natural gut instincts to keep you and your son safe. Next time you will have had time to think about other options and if they will benefit your son, or just prolong the agony. Unfortunately some people are just mean and the rest of us cannot understand how they can remain that way. I hope that you have many years before you have to deal with this again. You did good, I do not think that the mother would have listened to anything you could have said to her. Once again I am sorry that you had to see such poor mothering in a sandbox.
My heart hurts for you and your baby. I would have grabbed the toy and told the mother she and her son needs classes in socializing. Then I would have thrown sand in their face! LOL, ok, just kidding, but, really. How rude of her. Others are correct, the mother would not have listened to you. You did the right thing.
Those are the toughest times, not because of the poorly behaved child, but the parent who's totally on board with it. To be blunt, she's an a**hole. You can't reason with that kind of parent; you tried and she showed her nature to you right off the bat--be thankful she owns being a butthead and move on. ;)
He's really too young to have a talk with about it, but you keep raising your kid(s) with love and guidance and it'll work out.
This situation was completely about the other mother who was teaching her distorted concept of "sharing" to her child. I think the issue was that she was bullying *you*. How hard it is to watch our kids get pushed around by bullies and to feel bullied ourselves. It's especially hard to feel disempowered by other parents.
I think you would have been completely within your rights (as mama bear, of course) to not only take the toy away from the other little boy and say, "My son is playing with that toy. When he's done with it, you can have a turn. You need to find another toy to play with now." And to say to the mom, "Sharing is not taking a toy out of someone's hands. It's taking turns with a toy. When my son finishes with this, your son can have a turn."
That, of course, is hard to do, especially when she's intimidating you with her behavior and brazen disregard for fair playground play. Ugh! So sorry you had to go through that!
I agree with Susie's comment (above). that's what I would have done. I believe that's how you show your child what's allowed and what's not allowed. If it got any nastier, I would have made the statement to the mom and left. You're going to have to stand your ground sometime if you run into them again. It's funny how much harder everything is when your child is involved. One thing you can do is talk to your son about what happened and how you both will handle it next time and that will be the best learning experience.
This story is neither silly nor easy to forget as a mother. I would have said something polite to the child "sweetie, he (referring to your son here) is playing with it and after a while, I will let you have it" thus ignoring the bully mother. Only if she got involved, then you can tell her that the toy was in your child's hands first and that her son should wait for his turn!
This was a good learning moment for you and your son, and there will be many more, as you note, in life. I think it is harsh to call the other small child a bully for two reasons. One, he is a baby too, and only doing what is normal for some babies, maybe not yours. Second, bully is a loaded word these days, and should be used with discretion. As your other readers have already pointed out the problem is with the other grownup. Why didn't she interfere? There is a very valid philosophy out there called RIE. www.rie.org that purposefully allows for children, even very small children, to work things out for themselves, so that they learn autonomy and problem solving. It makes a lot of sense. I do practice this with my young son, though only with friends who share this view, and not in public, because other parents are soooo uncomfortable and anxious by this.
I am not saying this other mother was practicing this. Just pointing out another perspective where this woman may not be the demon you think she is.
But, you have no control over other people. So, you have to actively take control of the situation and model behavior for the two young ones. Your turn, his turn, etc. Getting in between them to prevent physical stuff. This is a great learning moment. Leaving feeling like a victim may teach your son to adopt that role in life, instead of teaching him to turn it around to his advantage, and maybe fun. I don't think anyone was bulllied in that scenario you described just two adults not willing or able to communicate or get involved enough to show two children what it means to share space, things, or community.
Oh you are so sweet. I wouldn't have thought twice... I would have yanked it out of the little narcissists hand and tell him to get his own. Because that type of entitlement will eventually kill him.
comments are well meaning , sometimes ...rarely...helpful. There is nothing so valuable as one's own experience , nor precious as the chance we have , the moments , to focus , to learn and to evolve.
Hi Christine,
I came here today via Soulemama. You may not know the answers today but because you observed and really saw what happened, and because you are still reflecting you will find your answers. Maybe not this time, maybe not even next time. By the time your wee son gets to the older situations you are worrying about he will have had lots of practice of noticing when something 'wrong' happens, he will talk it through with you because you will have showed him how to communicate and he will gain the strength that helps him set boundaries and respond asserively.
I have teenage sons who were very sensitive and reserved children. in my opinion these are the best kind to be blessed with! These are the children who learn by observation and reflection and who do listen to you when you role play what to do next time.
Some of our Mama days are much harder than others.
Vijay will be safe and strong in hiself as he grows because of your thoughtful mothering. You will figure it out.
Sarah
As parent of a young one also - this heartache feels so familiar! It's so hard not to jump to judgement:I try to remind myself that I have no idea what is going on for the other person. Nonetheless, that doesn't mean I allow bad behavior to go unchecked - little ones are sponges and do treat others the way they are treated. Be clear about what is ok.
Teach by doing!! Sometimes the answer is firm and boundary setting, sometimes the answer is creative and flexible. I'd definitely be standing there with you cheering if you firmly prevented that child from taking and simply said, "no. you may not have it. when vijay is done you may have a turn." Or alternatively, "I see you want what Vijay has. How about you go find something he might be willing to trade with you."
There has been 1 or 2 occasions where the other parent has escalated to an oppositional and (in my mind) inappropriate place...in which case I have again tried to model something that feels right: which has sadly been leaving the sandbox and explaining out loud that we have to leave because others are not playing nicely/not willing to work it out.
We learn from our experiences, eh?
Interesting...I appreciate your telling the story. However, I do want to speak out that it is too early to label any child that young a "bully." It is just too charged a label to apply at that age, when children are just testing the waters socially. Honestly, I don't know that it is a helpful label at any age.
I prefer to take each situation in the moment. For instance, I simply would have held on to the toy and prevented it from happening. You played a part by letting him bully you. I would have no hesitation to speak firmly to someone else's child in that instance.
As for how to handle it with your child, I'd say simple presence and empathy. So often, they need us to be with them, holding their hand and talking calmly about how it felt, or just being with them as they cry.
Hi! I am visiting via Soulemama and enjoy your blog!
As a mom of two toddlers and as a high school teacher, this story hits home. We have had more instances parenting other people's kids at playgrounds than I'd have ever expected, often because the parent is tuned out and not even paying attention. Sometimes, however, the situation is like yours-- parents practically encouraging bad behavior. My husband and I have had lots of conversation about these issues and our typical reaction is to gently but firmly correct the other child's behavior. I make a point of looking the other child squarely in the eyes when I speak so they know who is in charge. If the child does not correct their behavior, my usual line is something like this "Hey, I have an idea. If you're going to keep throwing mulch, go throw mulch over there by your mom." Sadly, the other parents are often so clueless (or so into whatever is on their phone) that they don't even notice what's happening. The way I see it is that even if the parents are not going to do their job, at some point the child will have to learn to listen to other adults when they go to school.
The strangest thing is that often, after we correct the behavior of someone else's kid, the kid starts playing nicely with us and asking us to push them on the swing, etc. It seems like a lot of the bad behavior stems from parents not paying enough attention to their kids in the first place.
The mother you mentioned seemed a little different, so I don't know what we would have done in that case. I don't think there's anything wrong, though, with standing up for your kids and for keeping public places safter and friendlier for everyone.
And I agree with the other comments about teaching your son to advocate for himself, too. His personality sounds like my daughter's and this was hard for her, but she is doing more to stand up to other kids and it's cool to see.
poor little darling. I almost felt sick reading that story. When there have been bullies in playgrounds with my children I have always addressed the child in a really firm way telling him "we don't ...... here. we ......." I leave it at that and remove my child if it continues. When my children have come home from school, kindy etc with stories of bullying I've always told them to avoid those children and find other friends. Another thing I've done is not allowed my children to continue to say mean things about a bully at school or talk about other children in a mean way while in my presence. I've encouraged them to be kind to bullies, but to avoid playing with them or around them until they change there behaviour and to be prepared to give them a second chance. This seems to have worked quite well and they all have chosen quite lovely friends. I've seen some parents start gossiping about a certain childs behaviour using information they get out of their child and turning other mothers against a child and a child's mother. This kind of behaviour breeds bullying as well and as a mum it disturbs me even more. As a parent I have made a big effort to encourage positive behaviour from both other Mums and children. This however is easier in a school situation than in a playground where you know no-one.
When I was a nanny, my two little charges Masters 9 and 11 suffered some neighbourhood bullying, I happen to have been taught by my mother to stand up for others, so I solved this fishmongers-wife-style by standing at the end of my driveway (the bullies lived four houses down and across the road) and yelled out that if their scooters were not returned I would be talking to parents, and that I was going inside, and I expected to see them in the driveway before 4pm (30 minutes time). When I checked at 4.15pm, they were there, and the little boys reported that they were not harassed by the bullies again.
In your situation, I think I would have done similar to you at first, but then got a different toy for my child (which of course the little bully would have tried to take too) and then would have told the other child off. And then told the mother off. I come from the school of thought that the village raises the child, in which we are all required to expect children to adhere to standard of good behaviour and help enforce it (nicely but FIRMLY).
Ok, people, a baby cannot be a bully!
wow! what a sucky situation. personally, i think that the term "bully" is way overused in our society today. i don't think the other child was a bully, but he definitely needs to learn right from wrong. something he clearly isn't getting from his mama. i think it's important for you to show your child in the future that you will not tolerate someone treating you or him any ol' kind of way. i also think it's very important to teach children (of course, your son is a bit too young for this) how to stand up for themselves. there is absolutely nothing wrong with you taking a stand for your child. you could've taken the toy back from the other child, explained to him and his mama why, and showed your son an example of what will and will not be tolerated.
the other child's mom clearly has issues if she thinks that sharing means i get to snatch a toy from another child whenever i'm ready to play with it. and who is she to determine what length of time your child gets to play with a toy?? grrrr...insane! ohhhhh, i would've loved to have given her a piece of my mind.
sorry that you had that nasty experience, but next time stick up for your baby and yourself. i'm sure you'll both feel better for it.
I don't think it was wrong of the other mom to expect you to share a toy after your son was playing with it for a while. That's the rule of an urban playground where there are common toys that everyone, well, shares. To me, it was the *grabbing* that was the problem, and that's what would've been fair to correct. When children grab toys from my child, I'll say, "It's not okay to grab. Please give it back. If you want to have a turn with this toy, we'll be done in a couple of minutes." Then I work with my child to wrap up the play with that item.