Motherhood with a Side of Guilt
He was exhausted when we got home, and all out of sorts (I guess he is not a fan of the mall either, even the outdoor one), and it took me quite some time to settle him down and get him to sleep. Then the mom-guilt hit me over taking him on such a "selfish" outing. I'll admit to getting hit with the mom guilt quite a bit lately.
This is one of those tricky subjects...but I want to talk about it honestly. There are certain aspects of being a work-at-home and stay-at-home mom that I have found to be extremely difficult. My career seems to be just now taking flight (seriously, why couldn't that have happened when I was childless and twiddling my thumbs for months on end?), and while it is a wonderful thing, it also means that there is a never ending to-do list. I find myself working like a mad women during his nap time, and often, after he wakes up, and I feed him, I let him play on the floor while I send out a few last emails, or wrap up the end of a writing assignment. I do not have the time to make all of his baby food (which I really want to do), or join a mom's group, or become a regular at our library's story hour. When Vijay is awake, I am completely devoted to him, and we stay busy doing enriching activities- long walks, playing at the library, trips to the children's museum, playdates with friends. But there are days where I wonder if I am doing enough- enough work, enough mothering, enough engaging with other moms and babies. There are days were I am barely clinging on to my sanity- trying to be ensure that my book will be a success, and be the best mom that I can be.
I try not to let the "mom-guilt" get to me...but when I find myself feeding him sweet potato out of a jar, while talking to a work-contact on the phone, while at the same time trying to eat a bit of lunch myself, and type an email- I wonder if this sentiment might apply to my life: "You can do everything, but you can't do everything well."
Ugh....any thoughts?
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My thought: YOU are awesome. Little Vijay is totally loved, happy and nurtured. Deciding that we are "enough" is a choice-- because if you choose to believe we are not enough, not doing enough, not being enough-- that option is ALWAYS available to us. My thought: YOU are enough. Little Vijay chose YOU to be his mama, now-- at this time-- and it is a double BLESSING to have him and your career in full health and strength.
All is well-- all is more than well. xoxox, E
All the thoughts you have mentioned here sound totally normal to me.
I opened a store, restored an old adobe building, wrote for grant funds, attended gifts shows and tried to exercise and stay healthy all while toting a young one along with me.
My oldest daughter today is my most adaptable child. Easy going. Able to flow with plans changing. Is that because I took her everywhere, I don't know. It certainly didn't harm her and now she loves to hear about all the things she did and the places she traveled to.
It sounds to me like you are a mother. A "multi-tastic" mother. You are also so much more. A writer, a wife, a creative being...etc. etc. All the things you are doing will only enhance little Vijay's life.
Just know that some days you will make it to the library story hour and some days you won't. It all works out for he is loved, obviously, and you looking at a few dresses for you, is not going to change that.
It's a balancing act everyday. Even for moms who have been doing this for a while. Plus, you have an amazing husband and a dear mama to help when you need it. In the end Vijay will delight when you are happy. Just embrace this moment and know you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing right now.
Congratulations on Anthropologie! That is amazing!
Your book looks beautiful sitting on those shelves! :) Any chance you want to do a Markets of the South book?
motherhood and guilt go hand in hand, unfortunately. but the biggest lesson i've learned over the years (my kids are 11 and 6) is that i have to have to HAVE to be myself and have something of my own, or else i go crazy and completely lose sight of ME.
about five years ago i started to pursue something of my own again, and ended up working for a magazine then writing a book. the book deal happened when my daughter was two, my son was seven, i was driving 20 minutes one way, twice a day, to take him to school in another district because he needed special programming ... and my husband worked in another state four days out of seven. i literally was on the verge of a total breakdown at the end of the six month period that i was working.
however, i came out of it with the understanding that it is vital for me to do something that keeps my own spirit alive aside from mothering because someday my kids will grow and have their own lives and i won't have a clue who i am anymore. but it also became apparent that my husband has to be on board and participatory in the raising of our children or it just doesn't work. he stopped covering that territory, i scaled back to just editorial and worked for another year before my daughter started school and my 20 minute trips doubled in number.
today i have balance ... and we're moving into the school district ;o) but i couldn't have gotten to the understanding of what my balance looks like and what my personal needs are without going through the guilt of that year. i was slacking on motherhood, i was slacking on wifehood, and i wasn't fully engaged in my book at the end because i was stretched so thin.
don't let the guilt get to you. we feel guilty no matter what we do and what our intentions are ... sadly, that's motherhood. we can't be perfect, and we wouldn't want to be; that just raises the bar too high for future expectations. and honestly, our kids need to see that we are happy, productive, have our own lives apart from them and their needs.
you'll figure it out as you go, but embrace this success and what comes, and know that the final say of what your future looks like is totally up to you!
I've always heard a slightly different version of that sentiment. "You can do everything, just not all at once."
You cannot abandon yourself when you have kids. I hope. Or else I may not survive this guilt you speak of when I finally take the baby-plunge. Financially, I have to work full-time. Unless the economy miraculously recovers and my husband finds a job that pays more than mine. I just don't see it happening. It is a fact of life that mothers have jobs (at home or at the office) and outside interests to maintain sanity and happiness! (Although some may say I shouldn't have kids then with a full-time job, but that is a completely different animal/discussion).
I think you are doing an awesome job. Look at how much love you are giving him. I would have packed up my kids for that "selfish outing." (What? Anthro? Seriously, that's awesome! congrats!) What I think is: thank goodness they have sweet potato all jarred perfectly for our babies.
We all have the mom guilt. It's hard to balance everything. Go easy on yourself, pretty lady;)
I'm still having those thoughts, and my little one just turned two. I spent the first year working outside of home before making the decision to quit my job. Now I'm home, but I find that my feelings reflect yours. I feel guilty if I want to do something that keeps her up, doesn't feed her well, or is 'selfish'. But I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't going to make a big difference in the long run, because she will be loved and taken care of and I am able to be here for her as much, if not more, than other moms get a choice to. I agree with chacha, we need to keep doing things that fulfill us as people or we won't have anything left to give to our children.
Try to squelch the guilt!!!!!
I think this post and your post about Brimfield are perfect companions to each other (side note - I also read Aura's blog and it was fun to see you reference her blog post I had read earlier that day).
I am the youngest of five kids...my mom went back to teaching when I was in 3rd grade, but prior to that she was chairman of the school board, directed a choir, did TONS of community work (and continued doing all that after returning to the workforce). I vividly remember her packing me up to take me along to school board meetings, where I would draw in a corner while she held court.
Some of my most favorite, treasured memories are of my mom letting me tagalong as she lived her life. I have always respected that yes, she's my mom (a fantastic mom!), and she's also an incredible person whose world did not shrink because she had five kids...instead, the worlds of her five kids grew because she participated in the world as she raised us.
Vijay is lucky to get to shadow you on this exciting chapter in your life!
i think--honestly--that you're being a little too hard on yourself. <3 you seem like an absolutely wonderful and INVOLVED mother, and that's what's important.
I keep these quotes around my house, in special places that catch my attention. They help remind me just how hard this job is!
Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own.
I looked on child-rearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging as any honorable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring it.
There is no point at which you can say, 'Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap.'
God knows that a mother needs fortitude and courage and tolerance and flexibility and patience and firmness and nearly every other brave aspect of the human soul.
Though motherhood is the most important of all the professions -- requiring more knowledge than any other department in human affairs -- there was no attention given to preparation for this office.
I can so relate to your guilt and doubts. As soon as I put my baby down for a nap, I feel my heart pitter-pattering and my brain racing as I go down a mental list of "what can I get done in 1 1/2 hours?" or "where do I start?"
Yikes!
That's why I have posted little reminders around the house the words "bird by bird". That's my new mantra. Well, I try, at least...
I wish I had some sort of esotericism to pass along and/or be able to bear the flag of victory of some sort, but alas, no such thing luck, but only to small points to share:
1. Forget the baby food--just puree your dinner and feed him what you are eating also.
2. You are not alone.
Dear Christine,
i totally hear you and join in your guilt. It is a very fine balance of doing work and being a good mumma. I got to the point last year where I felt I wasn't doing a good job at either. I bet you feel like you have "mumma ADHD" too- try to finish a job, move onto the next thing, multitasking here and there, yet never really getting anything done. It is so hard especially when you are interested in so many things and have the "time" at home vs. leaving the house to do your job.
For me, I find some days are better than others but I too, have life goals, want to make the most of my precious moments at home with my babies and it isn't easy.
What I have realized with my 3rd baby ( I am on mat leave right now), is I tried very hard with my first to stimulate him developmentally all day long, work around naps, feed him healthy foods, do everything possible that the books say, and I was exhausted!!!
It has only been with my third that I have taken the time once a week to learn how to quilt while he is awake, go shopping and to the hairdresser with him, put him on a playmat and make dinner (instead of holding him and putting in premade food like I did with the first) and not feel guilty ( as often) and enjoy my time more as well as the one on one time with him.
But I hear you and it isn't easy and mumma guilt is a terrible thing but it looks to me that you are doing a great great job and just do the best you can.
From Libby in Canada
You have to live your life too, Christine. It's a balancing act. Sometimes they get more (and believe me as Vijay gets older he will definitely get more!), and sometimes you get more. That said, I cannot stand families where kids rule the parents. It drives me crazy.
My older child got all the best from me ... volunteer time, reading every night, lot's of one-on-one playtime, total devotion .. while my younger daughter often had to wait on the sidelines while I tended to my older daughter or went to work. One time I even forgot to pick her up at school!!! It turned out my older daughter had some serious issues as a teenager (she's doing very well now) while my younger daughter is gliding right through. You just never know how it's all going to play.
As long as they receive plenty of love, a good dose of discipline, and aren't abused, neglected, or malnourished they are usually okay.
I still feel guilty all the time. It's just a part of motherhood I've come to accept ; )
And by the way, congratulations on having your book on the shelves of Anthropologie! That's awesome! And accomplishment to celebrate! I'd love to go to one of their stores sometime.
My daughter freaked no matter where I took her, be it the grocery store, the mall, in the car, around the neighborhood, it didn't matter. At 17 she still gets bitchy if we go someplace together. LOL!
I'm a work at home stay at home mom as well. My son is 22 months and we have another on the way in November. I finally decided to have my son go to daycare twice a week. He is a very social baby and it is so clear that there is no way I can provide the level of stimulation, learning and access to other kids his age. The guilt lasted for so long...until I realized that since he runs to get into the daycare when I drop him off in the morning, I'm allowed to 'run' back to my desk to have a productive work day.
You're doing a great job. I clearly don't actually know you, but you are a great mom. Many congrats on both your personal and professional successes.
Oh, I so badly want to give you a hug!
1. Every mom, no matter if they are stay-at-home or working, feels this.
2. So this day was a tough day. Next time it will be a fabulous day, with no melt downs. Don't let this deter you from life's adventures... because we all know that Anthropologie is pretty magical and adventurous place :)
3. In my humble opinion, I think it is healthy for a child to have a mom that is multi-faceted... whether that is work, mothering, church, friends, hobbies, etc. A mom's life should not be 100% focused on the child at all times. That makes for a crazy mommy and/or a crazy kid.
4. To an extent, a baby fits into your life. Not the other way around. I often mentally tell my little girl that she is 1 of 4 children.. those children just aren't here yet.
And finally....You are exactly the mom that Vijay is meant to have. You chose him and he chose you. Period. You have to trust in that. You are perfect exactly as you are.
Hi Christine,
I'm also a work at home home and can understand what you are feeling. Instead of focusing on feelings of guilt when you're on the phone for a couple minutes or don't have time to make your own baby food, think about all of the wonderful things you are giving Vijay. I just imagine the amount of interaction and food my son would be getting in some of the home day cares I visited, and I am instantly thankful that I can help provide for my family and be with my son so much during this special time.
Hi, first time commenter here. I work out of the home and my husband stays with the kids. I'll tell you this, your kids don't care if you make their food. They don't care if they miss story hour. They don't care about being enriched. You love them, you feed them and you provide shelter. Everything else is just sprinkles. Pretty, fun, yummy but only an accent to the wonderful job you are doing.
Your child is going to go through so many different stages so quickly you will never be able to keep up.
He sees your face, he hears your voice, you both are very fortunate. Staying home with kids is 10x harder than going to work in my opinion but the benefits are also greater. A mindful, concentrated awareness of the parts of your life that you do well at helps abate some mom guilt.
Loving is the most important of parenthood and you have that down cold. You're doing great and will continue to do great.
This is my first comment here, but I felt compelled to post. Why is it that if a mother does anything at all for them selves it is selfish? You will drive yourself crazy if you cannot do something other than talk to your darling baby and go to the library. I am a young (26) mother to 3, the youngest is 8 months old and I also stay at home. I am currently trying to figure out how to accept a Montessori teaching position next year where my two older girls will be going to school. The amount of guilt I have felt over this issue is amazing. I truly want to do this and I of the belief that you do not have to be only a mother to be a good mother, but it is still difficult for me to commit to being somewhere else when it will be for selfish reasons. This is a great opportunity for me and I do not want to let it pass by.
All of this to say, you also should not let these opportunities pass you by. Bring Vijay along, even if he gets a little fussy! You will all adapt and grow and he will be able to grow up knowing his mother was a wonderful mother and more, a successful writer. That is truly a great example to show to children. It is difficult being a first time mother, but I am sure as the time goes by you will become more confident in you choices. It is okay if a baby is fussy sometimes as long as they have a loving parent to comfort them.
Just think how proud Vijay will always be to have a mother who is a published author.
In trying to decide what kind of home business to start, you should do research to see if the business can be successful. Look at competing businesses and see what they charge. Read books, and search on the Internet. Also if you live with people, make sure you have their support for your home business. Have a spouse help with the kids. Explain to the kids how they can help make the business a success. Make sure you have enough money saved before you start to work at home. If you were a regular contributor to the household income, have at least six months' salary saved