Making it Work
I received an email several weeks ago from a blog reader asking me about my writing career. The sender wondered if that is how I make my living...and she asked (a bit condescendingly) if I could support myself without my husband's help. This email made me pause and think long and hard about the topics of work, motherhood and the judgment we pass on one another when it comes to this issue.
A bit of history: before moving to Providence, I worked in Chicago as a non-profit professional. I ran an after-school academic program for low-income students which served two of the most under-privileged schools on the South Side of the city. I worked six days a week, Monday-Saturday, around 60 hours a week, in a high-stress environment. I had no time or energy for creativity or hobbies in my life. I was nearing the point of burn-out when my husband was offered a job in Rhode Island and we decided to move. At that time, we talked extensively about whether or not I would continue to pursue a career in the non-profit sector. We knew we wanted a family in the next few years, and we knew that it would be difficult to maintain my level of work with the addition of children. That is when I made the decision to go freelance. My goal was to have a work-from-home career in place by the time I had my first child.
The first year was not easy- I made almost nothing, and received innumerable rejections- it was incredibly frustrating. There were so many days that I jumped on job search sites determined to once again find a job that would fill my time. Luckily, around that same time, I started this blog, bought a cheap camera and a used sewing machine, and set up a little crafting area in my apartment. I had always loved sewing and creating as a girl, and I found that my love for it came flooding back as I shared my crafty endeavors here in this space.
As I started focusing on creative pursuits, my writing career also began to take off. Eventually, I began placing articles in well-respected, well-paying publications. I also took a part-time job doing some non-profit writing (grants, research, letters and fund-raising material).
Since the birth of little Vijay, I could not be happier with my decision to work from home. I cannot imagine leaving him under a stranger's care. I do believe that motherhood is the most difficult job there is- there is no monetary reward, no promotion to let you know you are on the right track- it can often be very thankless. There are moments of being frustrated, overwhelmed and even bored (after all- you are tied to the house during naptime, and with an infant, all the time in naptime!). And yet...it is the most important job there is.
Next week, I go back to work part-time doing the aforementioned non-profit writing. I have a wonderful and amazing boss who allows me to work from home, and held my job for me while I took 9 weeks of maternity leave. I am also gearing up for the release of my book (May 3rd- mark your calenders) and all of the marketing and PR work that goes along with it. In addition, I have several articles in the works.
So, to get back to that original question- yes I make my living writing and no, I could not support myself without the help of my husband- but then that would be an entirely different situation now, wouldn't it? When I was working full-time, there were no wifely and motherly duties to fulfill in addition to my workload. I cannot compare those days with where I am now. Life has changed.
As a wife and mother, I have so many jobs- taking care of the little guy, putting a healthy dinner on the table every night, keeping a clean house, running all of the daily errands that make up our life. That is all worthwhile work.
Whatever choices we make when it comes to balancing our working lives and personal lives, I believe it is high-time we support one another, rather than judging. My choices work for my family- and at the end of the day, that is the most important thing.
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wow- the nerve of some people! i paint furniture and do it so i can be with my kids more, be a wife and mother, and make some money, but i know if i was flying solo i would need another job. but it's all about the choices we make and how we balance- you are so right. do what makes you happy and allows you to be the wife and mom you want to be!
It's always easy to judge people from the outside.
If your husband has no problem with your income, then why should anyone else? You guys work as a team, and although you don't provide more towards income, you provide care to your child & home.
First, I CANNOT believe that someone would be so concerned with your financial situation.
I've was a full-time working mom with my first. She was 7 months when I went back to work full time. She had an excellent care taker which made all the difference. Some days she was disappointed to see me when I picked her up!! Another positive was that she was socialized at a young age. It was a very structured enviornment and she really did enjoy it.
We moved right before I got pregnant with our second. I was lucky enough to start a freelance business and kept myself busy while my older daughter was in school. Once the baby came, I had to take a break. I had mixed emotions about just quitting what I had started. On top of that guilt, I realized that it is SO much work being a stay-at-home/work-from-home mom. As you know, there is always something or someone that needs your attention.
It is such a blessing to be able to be home with your baby but what a lot of people don't understand is that it is a 24/7 job. That being said I am cherishing every second because babyhood goes by so fast. I have learned to let a lot of things go and be in the moment.
It is such a personal decision and you've got to do what makes you thrive as a wife and mother...
Amen.
as you could have guessed, i love this post. love love love love love. especially since i spent yesterday looking for full time jobs in a state of complete panic about where i am. thanks for the reminder... big hugs!
I think it might be my comment/question that you are referring to, and I am very sorry if it was interpreted as condescending or judgmental, which was not my intent at all. I guess that is a danger of communicating with keyboards, and I am truly sorry if you felt I was judging you.
I asked that question because I am so inspired by and appreciative of people who share their creativity and passions (as you obviously do!) and who are able to focus their lives on it.
At the same time, I am discouraged because there are so many people in this world who are talented and creative and are not able to devote themselves to their passions because the reality is that they need to pay rent, pay for health insurance, etc. I work at a non-profit serving a low-income community, and I have several friends and acquaintances who are artists. It frustrates me to no end (this is not directed to you AT ALL!!!) when my artist friends don't acknowledge how blessed they are to have circumstances which enable them to follow their passions full time, and seem to dismiss other people with "If these people were really talented/really wanted to do this, they would find the time." It is not so simple, as you surely know.
My question was asked out of genuine curiosity and also out of frustration at OTHERS for not showing gratitude and empathy. I am so sorry if it felt I was poking holes at you. I am a firm believer that we all have to do what is best for ourselves and our families and that is different for everyone.
Your blog is one I enjoy because it is clear how much you value life and creativity and beauty...many other "design-y" blogs strike me as materialistic.
Again, I am sorry for offending you.
I'm with you!
Thank you for your post. It was perfect timing. I am struggling with being a full time home maker. We are planning to start a family soon and some where i was beginning to second guess myself and my decision on being a full time home maker. You have helped me realize what is really important .
Now back to my sticking and crafting :D
Thanks
Oh gosh, Dana- NO, no, no- it wasn't your comment. I found your comment to be sincerely inquisitive.
I am referring to an email I received in which the sender asked me for writing advice, and then proceeded to question my lifestyle.
When someone like yourself is genuinely interested in finding out how I make it work, I am more than happy to talk about it. I only bristle when I feel like judgments are being passed- call me a sensitive soul!
I also agree with what you said in your comment about appreciating what a blessing it is to be able to work from home. I thank God for that blessing every day and I never take for granted that I am able to do what I love!
I don't even know where to start on this one.....( I'm with Cassie...the nerve!)
I do hope you have encouraged other mums with this post. Creative mums do have choices and they do not have to answer to anyone but their own. You have the
most gorgeous babe ENJOY!
I have 3 kids - 6, 9 , 11 y.o now. When I had the oldest, I was working full time. My company was willing to let me work 3 days/wk in the office, and my MIL watched him and eventually his younger sister. When I had the 3rd, I couldn't maintain this schedule as the oldest was starting kindergarten and my MIL was 45 min from school. I went in to quit my job, but they let me work from home instead. I have been doing so for 6 years now.
I generally feel very blessed to be able to work from home and spend time with my kids while still maintaining my career in some capacity. Many of my friends are now trying to return to the work force after a 5-10 yr absence and finding it very difficult.
I say good for you for having the forethought to get your ducks in a row early so you have a workable arrangement now. I also couldn't support my family with my current income, but if the need arose, I am confident I could swing back into a fulltime career where I could!
I'd pose the question to the emailer as to whether they think your husband could manage to provide childcare, housekeeping, cooking, chaueffering, appointment making and keeping, etc. while still maintaining his career/income level!
(Sorry for the comment as long as a book.)
I never understand why certain blog readers take it upon themselves to pass so much judgment, when simply not reading is the obvious answer!
I really enjoyed this post, and have been absolutely loving your blog and what you've shared of Vijay. I find your story very inspirational. While I currently work in a very technical field, my loosey-goosey plan if my husband and I are lucky enough to have a baby one of these days is to transition from maternity leave into freelance writing, and recapture the creative spirit I've lost in my years as a non-creative professional. I always love reading from other women who make their creative interests work for them and for their family - you are no exception. Thank you for sharing!
Good for you, Christine! Taking care of a baby, however fulfilling, IS work and if you weren't doing it yourself, you would be paying someone else to do it.
It's good that Dana's comment wasn't intended to be negative. However, living abroad in a country where women aren't forced to choose between career and children and where creative people and executives alike are entitled to health care and other social benefits, I can't help thinking she's worrying about the wrong problem.
Christine, you seem to have accomplished so much in a short time. I'm really happy for you!
Happy 2011 to the whole family!
Christine, I agree with you that "it is high-time we support one another, rather than judging," and so I just have to call attention to the fact that your statement "I cannot imagine leaving him [Vijay] under a stranger's care" reads as--well--judgemental, to me.
I've been a freelance writer for 11 years and a mother for 3.5. It's my observation that the temperaments of babies and mamas vary quite a bit, and working at home without childcare requires a very, very specific combination of mama and baby temperaments. One that my kid and I don't have--I find trying to work at the same time as being on baby duty incredibly anxiety-making. I know that some people can totally make it work, and more power to you (and, you know, more money in your bank account), but to assume that writing and caring for a child at the same time will work for everyone does a disservice to both writing and motherhood, I think.
Personally, I've had childcare help since my kid was an infant, and I've found stable, high-quality childcare to be a very far cry from having a "stranger" take care of my child.
I loved this post! I'm in the same position that you were in when you moved to Providence: trying to start a freelance work from home career (as a translator,in my case) so that when we have kids in a few years I can stay home with them. Right now (and for the last year while I was at school) I make almost nothing and am supported by my husband, and I do feel that judgement from other people. Your story is encouragement that I can make this happen, one non money making day at a time!
Amen, Sista-mamma!
I just have to tell you how incredibly jealous I am. I was able to stay at home with my baby for the first 15 months, but we did it the hard way (slowly going broke). It was the most difficult and wonderful time in my life and I'm thankful I was able to do it. If I could figure out how to do it again, I would. PS: My baby is now 7. Time flies. You've probably noticed that.
thank goodness we don't have to worry about what others think. as long as we know we are doing what is best for our families. i feel so blessed that my husband is able to support our family so that i can take care of our home and kids. it's all about working together and being a part of a team. if i wasn't a part of that team i would have to do something else to support us - but i am glad about where i am.
Amen sista!
Life is hard enough without throwing each other under the bus. You have to find the right fit for you and your family. And what works for one family does not always apply to the next. So proud of you for not only making a life that works for you, but also being confident enough to start a dialogue about it.
LOVE your post. I give you another AMEN! :)
Very well said, and so important. Thank you for sharing this experience and your thoughts. Happy New Year!
Everyone must find their own path. You seem to have found yours. Congrats! I really am astounded that someone would be so rude to ask those questions.
This was a wonderful post and very timely for me. I quit my high profile, good paying job to teach yoga and run a little yoga studio. At times it is so terrifying. And, I mainly feel guilty to be so blessed and have the ability to follow my passions.
Well said Christine. I am happy that you have been able to find the balance that you want and are able to live the life as a woman, wife and mother that you desire.
Your opinion is both well explained, diplomatic and opens itself to reflection. You always find the words to allow for space for your path as well as the paths of others.
Bravo and well said; I view your blog daily and am inspired by your photography and your writings. I have been unemployed for a while now and while most days are good when I have a bad day, feeling sorry for myself, feeling dejected and depressed at not being able to find employment your site gives me hope. I am fortunate that I have a spouse that is understanding and is able to support our family, but getting out of this funk to do something creative is hard. Thanks again for your beautiful blog.
good for you!
hear, hear!
and
amen!
well stated Christine. Oddly, we do not realize the value of the job of mother until we are at least 20 years into it. We can suspect it's value but I admit to being completely overwhelmed when I realized the job I'd done and how important it was.
beautifully put! everybody's circumstance is the result of so many variables. i am joyful with you that you can have it all - supportive husband, enjoyable career, and time with your sweet baby.
so much is viewed through the lens of money these days and it's a statement on society that ours appears to value money, position, image more than anything else - family falls by the wayside. what could be more important than raising the next generation? that's how i see it and i do not want to hand that role out to someone else. i don't want someone else's moral system, belief system, code of ethics, and just plain old manners being impressed on my lad. i am responsible for him and it is a joy and a blessing to have this responsibility...although it can definitely be a thankless position as you mention. it's been particularly tough for me since i'm the bread-winner in this family but have always wanted to be at home, focusing on mothering and wife-ing - making a family. ah, life. so, poo-poo on those who think you need to be supporting yourself. you are. and you're supporting others. money is not the be all and end all in this life.
This was a great article that provoked a lot of interesting feedback. How each of us makes things work in our families should be the end of the story, no one should judge it because everyone has different circumstances. I wonder what the person who prompted the question was really getting at? I think your response was great. Some women are lucky enough to work from home and some women have no choice and have to make ends meet outside the home,and neither of them is wrong. Everyone is simply doing their best and we should all champion one another.
It's unfortunate that you have to defend your life's work, whether that be career or motherhood.
Each decision a woman makes is her own and purely situational. Only she can know what is best for her and her family and it's sad that anyone would judge that.
I enjoy your blog, I'm looking forward to your book, and I hope you continue keeping us posted on all of your great works (including motherhood)
wonderfully said, christine. i applaud you!! keep
beautiful. you don't need to support yourself without his help, you need him in this dream life you've worked for, & you work constantly for all of that. and he works to provide for you, no? it's amazing how we want to compartmentalize when we're dealing with money, but family cannot be compartmentalized, it can only be added to, overwhelmed, simplified, & layered some more. vijay is so lovely. i can't wait to see him in person!
I loved reading this post...many points really hit home with me.
I still work in my field (1x/wk), and you wouldn't believe the questions that come from 'well meaning' folks, with the most popular being:"When will you pick up more hours now that your kids are going to preschool/K?
It would be easier if it came from strangers, but when it's family & relatives, ugh...holidays and get togethers take on a whole new meaning.
Truth is, we value raising our kids above keeping up with the Jones'. Your post, and the following replies made me realize how many like-minded, creative women are out there.
Kudos to you!
I came to your blog via the Squam Staff page and I have no idea how I stumbled upon/chose this post to read, but I did. I am a stay at home mom who has her kid in daycare four days a week in order to try and start my own personal life as an artist. i made 700 dollars last month (and trust me, that's a one time fluke so far, but i'm working hard!)from my art and it's the proudest money I've ever earned. A lot of people would not, do not, understand nor agree with me not working "a real job" while my kid is also in daycare. i get a lot of flak from the people closest to me, but as you said, it's high time we stop judging and start encouraging. and i'm thrilled to have read this post and know where you are now!